You know what makes a great gift for the Holidays…my CD “The Master Plan”.
Statistics clearly show it is still the #1 Comedy CD in America…when not compared to other CD’s. Last Holiday season I sold out completely, so I am ready this year. I stocked 2. It is always better to give than to receive and the more you give the more I receive. Isn’t that what the Holidays are all about?
And because TIS THE SEASON I promise to autograph each and every CD and do my part to raise the market value by:
(a) Becoming grotesquely famous so even my excrement is routinely sold on eBay or
(b) Dying freakishly and ending up on E! True Hollywood Story (or its local cable access equivalent).
Link to the “Special Holiday Edition” CD
Many of you are saying James P., I already have a copy of “The Master Plan”. Why should I purchase a new one? First, your questioning of my CD is a violation of the original purchase (check the fine print) Secondly, this will be a “Special Holiday Edition”, in that I will write the words “Special Holiday Edition” on the CD itself. To make this an even more enticing offer, I pledge never to write those words anywhere ever again.
What other comedian will make that commitment? How many others can actually write?
An even more lucrative link to the “Special Holiday Edition” CD
But James P., while I am dually impressed with your penmanship skills that clearly elevate you above the monkey (except maybe the one that talks or has superior memory skills), what if I buy the CD and I am not completely satisfied? Good question. Better answer. Statistics also show (hold on while I finish fabricating these statistics) that lack of satisfaction in YOUR life cannot be directly attributed to my CD! Things that can be: loss of 5mm of CD storage space. So before you go dumping your Mommy issues on my CD, I think you need to check in with your Holiday spirit. My Holiday spirit is Jack Daniels. I checked in several hours ago.
What’s that Jack Daniels bottle? YOU want 5 copies of the “Special Holiday Edition” CD?
Time to restock the shelves!
JPC
The most linkiest of all the links to the “Special Holiday Edition” CD
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bruised, Breathless & Broke: 20 Days in Europe
I was determined not to be the “Ugly American” on this trip. Like most US travelers I relied heavily on the international language of pantomime, slapstick, and the kind of grotesque exaggeration you expect in Community Theater. I came with open arms and a festive spirit to bask in the origins of Western mankind. I returned home bruised, breathless and flat broke.
PERSONAL SPACE
Europeans exist within millimeters of each other. Personal space in Europe is like the Hybrid car in America. It is readily available, yet few choose to take advantage of it.
Sitting on a bus in Bosnia I was enveloped by a “Euro dry hump clump”, which occurs when the first person to occupy space becomes the center of an unwanted Human Shield. Secret Service doesn’t even move this quickly. If the President wants real protection overseas, just travel with a few personal space-sucking Euro-magnets.
My gripe; at least acknowledge we are inches apart. Give me the courtesy of sharing the awkward moment. Nobody gets to be indifferent and stand so close to me that when I inhale I taste your mustache!
2ND HAND SMOKE
From Portugal to Serbia, smoking is still King. Apparently 2nd hand smoke is not a health concern in Europe; it is more of a weather condition. I would like to thank the fine people of the European Union for saving me all the years of smoking and allowing me to move directly to the pre-Emphysema iron lung phase. This way I get the euphoria of “feeling” like a life long smoker, without the nasty sense of responsibility that I am contributing to the death of those around me.
AMERICAN DOLLAR
Once considered “fake” money, the mighty Euro is worth thirty percent more than our dollar. By my calculation, over a three-week period of converting American greenbacks to Euros, I owe Italy a kidney. It’s like waking up one morning and realizing the money you worked so hard for was pilfered by a formula you are too stupid to understand.
But maybe there is a hidden genius at work here. Maybe this IS our plan? We let the Euro gain strength and drive the American economy into the ground. Soon the Peso will be worth more as well. Then illegal immigrants will start going the other direction, sending some of that “Strong Mexican Money” back to their poor impoverished illegal American Families.
I learned my lesson long ago. I make my money in the International markets. I sell snacks outside hash houses in Amsterdam. Euros only please.
JPC
PERSONAL SPACE
Europeans exist within millimeters of each other. Personal space in Europe is like the Hybrid car in America. It is readily available, yet few choose to take advantage of it.
Sitting on a bus in Bosnia I was enveloped by a “Euro dry hump clump”, which occurs when the first person to occupy space becomes the center of an unwanted Human Shield. Secret Service doesn’t even move this quickly. If the President wants real protection overseas, just travel with a few personal space-sucking Euro-magnets.
My gripe; at least acknowledge we are inches apart. Give me the courtesy of sharing the awkward moment. Nobody gets to be indifferent and stand so close to me that when I inhale I taste your mustache!
2ND HAND SMOKE
From Portugal to Serbia, smoking is still King. Apparently 2nd hand smoke is not a health concern in Europe; it is more of a weather condition. I would like to thank the fine people of the European Union for saving me all the years of smoking and allowing me to move directly to the pre-Emphysema iron lung phase. This way I get the euphoria of “feeling” like a life long smoker, without the nasty sense of responsibility that I am contributing to the death of those around me.
AMERICAN DOLLAR
Once considered “fake” money, the mighty Euro is worth thirty percent more than our dollar. By my calculation, over a three-week period of converting American greenbacks to Euros, I owe Italy a kidney. It’s like waking up one morning and realizing the money you worked so hard for was pilfered by a formula you are too stupid to understand.
But maybe there is a hidden genius at work here. Maybe this IS our plan? We let the Euro gain strength and drive the American economy into the ground. Soon the Peso will be worth more as well. Then illegal immigrants will start going the other direction, sending some of that “Strong Mexican Money” back to their poor impoverished illegal American Families.
I learned my lesson long ago. I make my money in the International markets. I sell snacks outside hash houses in Amsterdam. Euros only please.
JPC
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Scent on the wings of devils
I can’t think of anything more repulsive than to be engulfed by someone else’s smell against my will. The greatest culprits are people who spastically splash on cologne like a fish on land gasping for water. I was stuck on an elevator for 28 floors with an odor best described as “rotten egg covered in dog crap inside the decaying flesh of a rancid corpse.” Heavy perfume is equally obnoxious. Nothing upsets me more than to walk out my door smelling like a man and within seconds hit an invisible cloud of old woman.
Cologne is supposed to enhance your natural smell. It should catch the attention of a person walking by in a very subtle way. It is not designed to compensate for lack of personal hygiene, or access to a shower or extend the life of a dirty shirt. It is not Febreze. Excessive cologne is as lethal as second hand smoke. Heavy users should come with warning labels. “The Surgeon General believes YOUR smell will shorten the life of others.”
People who wear too much cologne are oblivious to their crimes. They are murderers of personal space hiding behind the insanity defense. Here is a tip: look around you. If people’s eyes are bleeding you are wearing too much cologne. If flies pile up dead near you at a picnic table…too much cologne. If all of your friends have permanent squints on their faces as if they have just been awakened by smelling salts…too much cologne.
Help is but a search engine away. Every article I found online agreed: “less is more” when it comes to cologne. As in, the “less” you put on the “more” people will be able to stand close to you without feeling like they have been hit by pepper spray. So the next time you have a big night out and recklessly slap on handfuls of your fancy smell remember this: even people who fart apologize.
JPC
Cologne is supposed to enhance your natural smell. It should catch the attention of a person walking by in a very subtle way. It is not designed to compensate for lack of personal hygiene, or access to a shower or extend the life of a dirty shirt. It is not Febreze. Excessive cologne is as lethal as second hand smoke. Heavy users should come with warning labels. “The Surgeon General believes YOUR smell will shorten the life of others.”
People who wear too much cologne are oblivious to their crimes. They are murderers of personal space hiding behind the insanity defense. Here is a tip: look around you. If people’s eyes are bleeding you are wearing too much cologne. If flies pile up dead near you at a picnic table…too much cologne. If all of your friends have permanent squints on their faces as if they have just been awakened by smelling salts…too much cologne.
Help is but a search engine away. Every article I found online agreed: “less is more” when it comes to cologne. As in, the “less” you put on the “more” people will be able to stand close to you without feeling like they have been hit by pepper spray. So the next time you have a big night out and recklessly slap on handfuls of your fancy smell remember this: even people who fart apologize.
JPC
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Elvis: How to stay dead despite the efforts of others
This month marks the 30th Anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. Of course, when I say “death” I am referring to his “continued death” as opposed to the “permanent death” the rest of us will experience. As Elvis Week in Memphis commences, the worshipers gather to wrestle him from the grave once again and watch the undead Elvis headline the “Greatest Show on Earth”. (Now owned by the same company that brings you “American Idol”) Each year the celebrations swell to colossal proportions to remind us that Elvis will never be forgotten. But there is a reason why Disneyland eventually buried the Captain EO attraction. Careers and people die.
I am not suggesting for a second that the King of Rock and Roll should be forgotten. We’ve ALL had our Elvis moments. I’ve met Priscilla on the set of Naked Gun 33 1/3. I worked on an Elvis Impersonator documentary, where Korean Elvis and Alien Elvis discussed the legitimacy of “fake” sideburns. I have been to the Holy Graceland 3 times. I visited his birth home in Tupelo, only to be kicked out for trespassing by a polite yet brutally firm Southern docent. I have stood in the Palm Springs mansion bedroom where he and Ann Margaret had 1960’s sexy people sex. To get the feel of Elvis, I have prepared fried peanut butter banana sandwiches from his official cookbook and then choked on the idea of eating the chunky snack. I even own a jumpsuit and wig for those “perfect” social occasions.
What I am saying is rein it in. Don’t let Elvis Week (with it’s fresh Corporate backing) become the gold standard for American Pop Icon Freak Show Extravaganza. At this rate singing monkeys in Elvis suits will become cliché’. Just take it down a few levels somewhere between Star Trek Convention and “my potato chip is shaped like Elvis”. You want to remember the King? Just look at your mother. To paraphrase Comedian Adam Ferrara, “My mother is at that age where women start to dress like Elvis. A lot of sequins, jumpsuit looking things, the hip is bad so she swivels when she walks and she spends a lot of time in Vegas!”
So the next time your aging Mom whirls thru the door with her gyrating unstable pelvis, shimmering jumpsuit, WWF belt and oversized sunglasses…THAT is your Elvis moment.
May the REAL Elvis finally rest in peace.
JPC
Friday, July 13, 2007
A Candidate for President
I am so tired of hearing Presidential hopefuls court voters by promising them everything, that I decided if I have to listen to another political suck-up preach to the masses…it might as well be me. That is why I am offering myself as a candidate for President of the United States. While other candidates will shamelessly fall back on their “credentials” or “experience”, or try to seduce you with their “knowledge” I will let my stand on the issues speak for themselves.
ON CORPORATE DONORS: A Candidate should be free from Corporate Sponsorship with the exception of the ones willing to fund my campaign. Especially companies that specialize in adult ointments.
ON HEALTH CARE: The only way we can fix the HealthCare system is by applying crippling pressure thru stiff competition. So the next time your HMO turns you down for a procedure, you say, “Fine. I’ll do it myself!”
ON POLITICAL ABUSE: I say if a politician abuses the public trust for personal gain, we should be able to abuse the politician in public before they regain our personal trust.
ON HOMELESSNESS AND STEM CELL RESEARCH: Yes.
ON AMBIGUOUS STATEMENTS THAT MEAN NOTHING: I think that the real issue here is the failure of the average American to truly comprehend the injustice of the liberal platitudes that an exploratory committee is looking into to ensure that no stone is left unturned. A situation for which I accept full responsibility, but completely deny any involvement with.
ON RISING GAS PRICES: Gas prices can be easily reduced if we create a fuel out of something America has an endless supply of: the flesh of people who are constantly complaining about high gas prices.
ON THE 2 PARTY SYSTEM: I propose we eliminate the Republican and Democratic Party and form 2 NEW parties; the RIGHT party and the WRONG party. Since most people already believe they belong to the RIGHT party - things should move smoothly.
ON ELECTING A BLACK OR FEMALE PRESIDENT: If that is what the country wants I will utilize 100% of my resources to make that happen…as long as the operation doesn’t hurt me too much.
See you in November ‘08
JPC
ON CORPORATE DONORS: A Candidate should be free from Corporate Sponsorship with the exception of the ones willing to fund my campaign. Especially companies that specialize in adult ointments.
ON HEALTH CARE: The only way we can fix the HealthCare system is by applying crippling pressure thru stiff competition. So the next time your HMO turns you down for a procedure, you say, “Fine. I’ll do it myself!”
ON POLITICAL ABUSE: I say if a politician abuses the public trust for personal gain, we should be able to abuse the politician in public before they regain our personal trust.
ON HOMELESSNESS AND STEM CELL RESEARCH: Yes.
ON AMBIGUOUS STATEMENTS THAT MEAN NOTHING: I think that the real issue here is the failure of the average American to truly comprehend the injustice of the liberal platitudes that an exploratory committee is looking into to ensure that no stone is left unturned. A situation for which I accept full responsibility, but completely deny any involvement with.
ON RISING GAS PRICES: Gas prices can be easily reduced if we create a fuel out of something America has an endless supply of: the flesh of people who are constantly complaining about high gas prices.
ON THE 2 PARTY SYSTEM: I propose we eliminate the Republican and Democratic Party and form 2 NEW parties; the RIGHT party and the WRONG party. Since most people already believe they belong to the RIGHT party - things should move smoothly.
ON ELECTING A BLACK OR FEMALE PRESIDENT: If that is what the country wants I will utilize 100% of my resources to make that happen…as long as the operation doesn’t hurt me too much.
See you in November ‘08
JPC
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The American Driver: A Tribute
As we start the beginning of driving season, I would like to salute our countries beloved motorists. Despite all the statistics and proof to the contrary... we remain the greatest drivers in the world. Not because we ARE… but because we THINK we are.
So here’s to you American Driver:
* With one hand on the wheel and one hand free to flip off anybody who doesn’t have the decency to anticipate your next move. Because talking on the cell phone, putting on make up and picking your nose at dangerous speeds is YOUR business…and which lane you may be headed into next is none of ours.
* Because YOU saved the world once and now you’ve earned the right to drive 25 MPH in the fast lane even though your graying head can’t turn far enough around to see your shoulder.
* When a fellow motorist crashes, you know the worst thing you can do is to complicate the situation by offering help or medical assistance. Better to get a good slow look at the wreck so you can text message as you drive by.
* Because you realize that throwing cigarette butts out the window creates jobs for prisoners and illegal immigrants. And driving hybrid cars are for hippies and actors.
* And you weren’t erratically changing lanes. You were testing your cars’ emergency response handling system. Won’t that come in handy the next time you have to get a donor heart to the hospital or dodge a helicopter attack from above?
* Because you deeply believe that every American driver is created equal. That’s why you don’t let a little blue paint on the ground stop YOU from parking in front of those precious double doors.
* And nobody straps you into your car. Because you know seatbelts are for sissies who are afraid to fly through a little windshield.
So hit the highway Johnny Rebel. And when you get pulled over and told your breath smells like Old Milwaukee, you look that cop in the eye and say, “That’s just the flavor of my toothpaste!” Because you know that .08 is not a hard number…it’s a GUT feeling.
Drive safely road warrior. And stay the hell away from me.
So here’s to you American Driver:
* With one hand on the wheel and one hand free to flip off anybody who doesn’t have the decency to anticipate your next move. Because talking on the cell phone, putting on make up and picking your nose at dangerous speeds is YOUR business…and which lane you may be headed into next is none of ours.
* Because YOU saved the world once and now you’ve earned the right to drive 25 MPH in the fast lane even though your graying head can’t turn far enough around to see your shoulder.
* When a fellow motorist crashes, you know the worst thing you can do is to complicate the situation by offering help or medical assistance. Better to get a good slow look at the wreck so you can text message as you drive by.
* Because you realize that throwing cigarette butts out the window creates jobs for prisoners and illegal immigrants. And driving hybrid cars are for hippies and actors.
* And you weren’t erratically changing lanes. You were testing your cars’ emergency response handling system. Won’t that come in handy the next time you have to get a donor heart to the hospital or dodge a helicopter attack from above?
* Because you deeply believe that every American driver is created equal. That’s why you don’t let a little blue paint on the ground stop YOU from parking in front of those precious double doors.
* And nobody straps you into your car. Because you know seatbelts are for sissies who are afraid to fly through a little windshield.
So hit the highway Johnny Rebel. And when you get pulled over and told your breath smells like Old Milwaukee, you look that cop in the eye and say, “That’s just the flavor of my toothpaste!” Because you know that .08 is not a hard number…it’s a GUT feeling.
Drive safely road warrior. And stay the hell away from me.
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