The American Driver: A Tribute

As we start the beginning of driving season, I would like to salute our countries beloved motorists. Despite all the statistics and proof to the contrary... we remain the greatest drivers in the world. Not because we ARE… but because we THINK we are.

So here’s to you American Driver:

* With one hand on the wheel and one hand free to flip off anybody who doesn’t have the decency to anticipate your next move. Because talking on the cell phone, putting on make up and picking your nose at dangerous speeds is YOUR business…and which lane you may be headed into next is none of ours.

* Because YOU saved the world once and now you’ve earned the right to drive 25 MPH in the fast lane even though your graying head can’t turn far enough around to see your shoulder.

* When a fellow motorist crashes, you know the worst thing you can do is to complicate the situation by offering help or medical assistance. Better to get a good slow look at the wreck so you can text message as you drive by.

* Because you realize that throwing cigarette butts out the window creates jobs for prisoners and illegal immigrants. And driving hybrid cars are for hippies and actors.

* And you weren’t erratically changing lanes. You were testing your cars’ emergency response handling system. Won’t that come in handy the next time you have to get a donor heart to the hospital or dodge a helicopter attack from above?

* Because you deeply believe that every American driver is created equal. That’s why you don’t let a little blue paint on the ground stop YOU from parking in front of those precious double doors.

* And nobody straps you into your car. Because you know seatbelts are for sissies who are afraid to fly through a little windshield.

So hit the highway Johnny Rebel. And when you get pulled over and told your breath smells like Old Milwaukee, you look that cop in the eye and say, “That’s just the flavor of my toothpaste!” Because you know that .08 is not a hard number…it’s a GUT feeling.

Drive safely road warrior. And stay the hell away from me.