Scent on the wings of devils

I can’t think of anything more repulsive than to be engulfed by someone else’s smell against my will. The greatest culprits are people who spastically splash on cologne like a fish on land gasping for water. I was stuck on an elevator for 28 floors with an odor best described as “rotten egg covered in dog crap inside the decaying flesh of a rancid corpse.” Heavy perfume is equally obnoxious. Nothing upsets me more than to walk out my door smelling like a man and within seconds hit an invisible cloud of old woman.

Cologne is supposed to enhance your natural smell. It should catch the attention of a person walking by in a very subtle way. It is not designed to compensate for lack of personal hygiene, or access to a shower or extend the life of a dirty shirt. It is not Febreze. Excessive cologne is as lethal as second hand smoke. Heavy users should come with warning labels. “The Surgeon General believes YOUR smell will shorten the life of others.”

People who wear too much cologne are oblivious to their crimes. They are murderers of personal space hiding behind the insanity defense. Here is a tip: look around you. If people’s eyes are bleeding you are wearing too much cologne. If flies pile up dead near you at a picnic table…too much cologne. If all of your friends have permanent squints on their faces as if they have just been awakened by smelling salts…too much cologne.

Help is but a search engine away. Every article I found online agreed: “less is more” when it comes to cologne. As in, the “less” you put on the “more” people will be able to stand close to you without feeling like they have been hit by pepper spray. So the next time you have a big night out and recklessly slap on handfuls of your fancy smell remember this: even people who fart apologize.

JPC