I am so tired of hearing Presidential hopefuls court voters by promising them everything, that I decided if I have to listen to another political suck-up preach to the masses…it might as well be me. That is why I am offering myself as a candidate for President of the United States. While other candidates will shamelessly fall back on their “credentials” or “experience”, or try to seduce you with their “knowledge” I will let my stand on the issues speak for themselves.
ON CORPORATE DONORS: A Candidate should be free from Corporate Sponsorship with the exception of the ones willing to fund my campaign. Especially companies that specialize in adult ointments.
ON HEALTH CARE: The only way we can fix the HealthCare system is by applying crippling pressure thru stiff competition. So the next time your HMO turns you down for a procedure, you say, “Fine. I’ll do it myself!”
ON POLITICAL ABUSE: I say if a politician abuses the public trust for personal gain, we should be able to abuse the politician in public before they regain our personal trust.
ON HOMELESSNESS AND STEM CELL RESEARCH: Yes.
ON AMBIGUOUS STATEMENTS THAT MEAN NOTHING: I think that the real issue here is the failure of the average American to truly comprehend the injustice of the liberal platitudes that an exploratory committee is looking into to ensure that no stone is left unturned. A situation for which I accept full responsibility, but completely deny any involvement with.
ON RISING GAS PRICES: Gas prices can be easily reduced if we create a fuel out of something America has an endless supply of: the flesh of people who are constantly complaining about high gas prices.
ON THE 2 PARTY SYSTEM: I propose we eliminate the Republican and Democratic Party and form 2 NEW parties; the RIGHT party and the WRONG party. Since most people already believe they belong to the RIGHT party - things should move smoothly.
ON ELECTING A BLACK OR FEMALE PRESIDENT: If that is what the country wants I will utilize 100% of my resources to make that happen…as long as the operation doesn’t hurt me too much.
See you in November ‘08
JPC
Friday, July 13, 2007
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