I am so tired of hearing Presidential hopefuls court voters by promising them everything, that I decided if I have to listen to another political suck-up preach to the masses…it might as well be me. That is why I am offering myself as a candidate for President of the United States. While other candidates will shamelessly fall back on their “credentials” or “experience”, or try to seduce you with their “knowledge” I will let my stand on the issues speak for themselves.
ON CORPORATE DONORS: A Candidate should be free from Corporate Sponsorship with the exception of the ones willing to fund my campaign. Especially companies that specialize in adult ointments.
ON HEALTH CARE: The only way we can fix the HealthCare system is by applying crippling pressure thru stiff competition. So the next time your HMO turns you down for a procedure, you say, “Fine. I’ll do it myself!”
ON POLITICAL ABUSE: I say if a politician abuses the public trust for personal gain, we should be able to abuse the politician in public before they regain our personal trust.
ON HOMELESSNESS AND STEM CELL RESEARCH: Yes.
ON AMBIGUOUS STATEMENTS THAT MEAN NOTHING: I think that the real issue here is the failure of the average American to truly comprehend the injustice of the liberal platitudes that an exploratory committee is looking into to ensure that no stone is left unturned. A situation for which I accept full responsibility, but completely deny any involvement with.
ON RISING GAS PRICES: Gas prices can be easily reduced if we create a fuel out of something America has an endless supply of: the flesh of people who are constantly complaining about high gas prices.
ON THE 2 PARTY SYSTEM: I propose we eliminate the Republican and Democratic Party and form 2 NEW parties; the RIGHT party and the WRONG party. Since most people already believe they belong to the RIGHT party - things should move smoothly.
ON ELECTING A BLACK OR FEMALE PRESIDENT: If that is what the country wants I will utilize 100% of my resources to make that happen…as long as the operation doesn’t hurt me too much.
See you in November ‘08
JPC
Friday, July 13, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The American Driver: A Tribute
As we start the beginning of driving season, I would like to salute our countries beloved motorists. Despite all the statistics and proof to the contrary... we remain the greatest drivers in the world. Not because we ARE… but because we THINK we are.
So here’s to you American Driver:
* With one hand on the wheel and one hand free to flip off anybody who doesn’t have the decency to anticipate your next move. Because talking on the cell phone, putting on make up and picking your nose at dangerous speeds is YOUR business…and which lane you may be headed into next is none of ours.
* Because YOU saved the world once and now you’ve earned the right to drive 25 MPH in the fast lane even though your graying head can’t turn far enough around to see your shoulder.
* When a fellow motorist crashes, you know the worst thing you can do is to complicate the situation by offering help or medical assistance. Better to get a good slow look at the wreck so you can text message as you drive by.
* Because you realize that throwing cigarette butts out the window creates jobs for prisoners and illegal immigrants. And driving hybrid cars are for hippies and actors.
* And you weren’t erratically changing lanes. You were testing your cars’ emergency response handling system. Won’t that come in handy the next time you have to get a donor heart to the hospital or dodge a helicopter attack from above?
* Because you deeply believe that every American driver is created equal. That’s why you don’t let a little blue paint on the ground stop YOU from parking in front of those precious double doors.
* And nobody straps you into your car. Because you know seatbelts are for sissies who are afraid to fly through a little windshield.
So hit the highway Johnny Rebel. And when you get pulled over and told your breath smells like Old Milwaukee, you look that cop in the eye and say, “That’s just the flavor of my toothpaste!” Because you know that .08 is not a hard number…it’s a GUT feeling.
Drive safely road warrior. And stay the hell away from me.
So here’s to you American Driver:
* With one hand on the wheel and one hand free to flip off anybody who doesn’t have the decency to anticipate your next move. Because talking on the cell phone, putting on make up and picking your nose at dangerous speeds is YOUR business…and which lane you may be headed into next is none of ours.
* Because YOU saved the world once and now you’ve earned the right to drive 25 MPH in the fast lane even though your graying head can’t turn far enough around to see your shoulder.
* When a fellow motorist crashes, you know the worst thing you can do is to complicate the situation by offering help or medical assistance. Better to get a good slow look at the wreck so you can text message as you drive by.
* Because you realize that throwing cigarette butts out the window creates jobs for prisoners and illegal immigrants. And driving hybrid cars are for hippies and actors.
* And you weren’t erratically changing lanes. You were testing your cars’ emergency response handling system. Won’t that come in handy the next time you have to get a donor heart to the hospital or dodge a helicopter attack from above?
* Because you deeply believe that every American driver is created equal. That’s why you don’t let a little blue paint on the ground stop YOU from parking in front of those precious double doors.
* And nobody straps you into your car. Because you know seatbelts are for sissies who are afraid to fly through a little windshield.
So hit the highway Johnny Rebel. And when you get pulled over and told your breath smells like Old Milwaukee, you look that cop in the eye and say, “That’s just the flavor of my toothpaste!” Because you know that .08 is not a hard number…it’s a GUT feeling.
Drive safely road warrior. And stay the hell away from me.
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