James P. Connolly - Fumes of Thought

6 degrees of Balloon Boy

2009-10-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

I actually do know the Heene family. I worked with them on several occasions when they ran a video editing business in Los Angeles. I remember one conversation in particular. At the time it meant nothing to me, but in retrospect it was filled with subtle clues.

I walked in to their editing offices holding a shiny silver mylar balloon shaped like a muffin top, as I had done on several occasions before. I handed the balloon to Mayumi and she tied it to Falcon’s stroller. Richard and I began our usual banter:

Me: “Some pretty amazing weather we’re having, huh?”

Richard: “I have discovered the secret of anti-gravity in the cyclonic action of tornadoes. I am going to put my children in the center of one to test my theory.”

Me: “Touche’!”

Suddenly, the balloon began to come loose. Falcon crawled out of the stroller and into a box marked “in case of hoax”.

I said, “Isn’t that cute?”

Richard screamed, “Mayumi! You didn’t tie the f*#@ing balloon!!!”

I asked the Heenes why they decided to have a third child, and Richard said it was because the oldest two would be too large to hide in the attic. When I pressed why would the kids hide in the attic, the Heenes all threw up on me. After I demanded they stop throwing up on me, they ran to hide in the attic. Informing them there was no attic in the building, the Heenes began to vomit on each other. When their dry heaves ran silent, Richard apologized and offered to swap me his wife, but asked if he could yell at her and kicked something first.

I said, “If you do…I will call the police and local news on you!”

“You’d do that for me?” he whispered.

NOTE: Congratulations to the Heene’s hometown on their brand new revenue stream: "Welcome to Fort Collins. Home of the Balloon Boy Incident."

Psoas I was saying…

2008-07-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

Psoas muscle: (SO-az) either of two muscles of the abdomen and pelvis that flex the trunk and rotate the thigh

I have a Psoas muscle. I never knew I had a Psoas muscle until it attempted to relocate my hamstring through my tailbone. I am lying flat on my back right now grimacing to the beat of involuntary internal contortion. For those of you not familiar with the mighty Psoas, it and the hamstring perform the muscular “alley oop” of the lower body. Medically speaking, I suffer from an excess of “oop”. Now I wake up in surprise positions that look like hieroglyphics.

The usual suspects have chimed in their 2 cents. Go See A Doctor! Normally, I would. But sadly, little is known about the human spine. Most of it is made up of chalk held together by a viscous slime similar to a raw oyster. (Note: like the oyster, spinal gelatin is a powerful aphrodisiac) While it seems to be a very pliable, responsive system, the spinal column is actually a rigid mechanism with a finite number of pre-determined moves, and when you have completed your moves…you die. Those of you thinking this argument is not supported by medical fact are 100% correct. It was taken from the Underwriters Handbook of my Health Care Provider.

The Psoas must be important. An online video Pilates instructor specializing in “pole dancing” conditioning vouches for its value. So in this era of medical advances, let us not mourn the lack of funding for mankind’s ailments. Let us instead turn to the “medicine of mob rule” on the Internet. All of life’s problems can be healed through “stripper-centric wellness” programs available on You Tube.

So while I develop carpet burn from fidgeting on the living room floor in search of temporary spinal nirvana, I offer you this Blog.
On behalf of my self and my tirelessly twitching Psoas muscle currently performing a salsa number on my sacrum, I must crawl away.

JPC

Thanko De Mayo

2008-05-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

I don’t do this for the awards and accolades. It’s not about the ego stroke or the gut feeling that you think more of me than you do yourself. It’s not about that.
But occasionally some award comes along that makes me stop and take notice.

So I would personally like to thank YOU. I don’t know who YOU are, but YOU know who you are. And on the off chance that you have no idea who YOU really are, maybe this could be YOU?

Without people like YOU, I would not be here today, proudly claiming my honor as the 4th Most Perfect Comic for the 95.5 FM KLOS Cinco de Mayo Five O'Clock Funnies on air poll.

YOU took the time to sing my praises. YOU made the effort. YOU overlooked my 50% less than Hispanic side and said, “No me importa”.

The results:

George Lopez 25 votes
Paul Rodriguez 15
Gabriel Iglesias 15
James P. Connolly 1- (That would be YOU!)

So thank YOU! Not to be pushy, but maybe next time you could call in with a friend.

Muchas Gracias…

Don Diego de la Connolly

Benefit Show May 17th Lake Tahoe IMPROV

2008-05-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

Just spreading the word about a fantastic benefit show taking place May 17th at Harrah's in South Lake Tahoe.

"Maxed Out Laughter" sponsored by the Lake Tahoe IMPROV
May 17th 7:30PM
Harrah's Lake Tahoe - South Shore Room

For ticket info go to: www.southshoreroom.com

Proceeds for the event go to help veteran comedian Max Alexander who is in need of a kidney and is facing rising medical bills.

The show will be in the South Shore Room at Harrah's Lake Tahoe (yeah Elvis has been there)
and so far the lineup includes:

Rocky Laporte
Scott Henry
Mark Pitta
James P. Connolly
Kat Simmons
and always the "Master of the Ceremony" Howie Nave.

Great Comedy. Great cause. Great place to be on Saturday May 17th!

See ya there and spread the word to anybody you know in the Tahoe/Reno/Sacramento area.

JPC

2008: Predictable Resolutions

2008-01-07T14:55:00.000-08:00

I think people love the word “resolution” because it actually sounds like you just might do something. Let’s call New Year’s Resolutions what they really are; a list of “who I wish I was but know damn well I won’t be by the end of January.”

This year my resolutions are bullet proof. I have created an impenetrable list of success. For 2008…I lay down my gauntlet.

Resolutions:

1 To be a better man.

2 To write my own definition of the word “better”, making the man I currently am good enough.

3 In the event that I fail to live up to the new version of the word “better”, I reserve the right to compare myself to a “lesser” man.

4 If a “lesser” man does not exist, I will redefine the word “lesser”, so that “any” man is someone I can be “better” than.

5 If all resolutions fail to come true, I will live among the animals making me the “only” man and undisputed holder of the “better” man title.

6 Should I be challenged by an “ape-man” of unusual intelligence, I hereby entitle myself to settle all disputes through “opposable thumb wrestling” or a “who doesn’t throw their feces” competition.

7 To come up with at least 7 resolutions.

8 To exceed my expectations.

**All resolutions are subject to revision without notice.

JPC

The Perfect Holiday Gift...

2007-12-05T14:31:00.000-08:00

You know what makes a great gift for the Holidays…my CD “The Master Plan”.
Statistics clearly show it is still the #1 Comedy CD in America…when not compared to other CD’s. Last Holiday season I sold out completely, so I am ready this year. I stocked 2. It is always better to give than to receive and the more you give the more I receive. Isn’t that what the Holidays are all about?

And because TIS THE SEASON I promise to autograph each and every CD and do my part to raise the market value by:
(a) Becoming grotesquely famous so even my excrement is routinely sold on eBay or
(b) Dying freakishly and ending up on E! True Hollywood Story (or its local cable access equivalent).

Link to the “Special Holiday Edition” CD

Many of you are saying James P., I already have a copy of “The Master Plan”. Why should I purchase a new one? First, your questioning of my CD is a violation of the original purchase (check the fine print) Secondly, this will be a “Special Holiday Edition”, in that I will write the words “Special Holiday Edition” on the CD itself. To make this an even more enticing offer, I pledge never to write those words anywhere ever again.
What other comedian will make that commitment? How many others can actually write?

An even more lucrative link to the “Special Holiday Edition” CD

But James P., while I am dually impressed with your penmanship skills that clearly elevate you above the monkey (except maybe the one that talks or has superior memory skills), what if I buy the CD and I am not completely satisfied? Good question. Better answer. Statistics also show (hold on while I finish fabricating these statistics) that lack of satisfaction in YOUR life cannot be directly attributed to my CD! Things that can be: loss of 5mm of CD storage space. So before you go dumping your Mommy issues on my CD, I think you need to check in with your Holiday spirit. My Holiday spirit is Jack Daniels. I checked in several hours ago.

What’s that Jack Daniels bottle? YOU want 5 copies of the “Special Holiday Edition” CD?
Time to restock the shelves!

JPC

The most linkiest of all the links to the “Special Holiday Edition” CD

Bruised, Breathless & Broke: 20 Days in Europe

2007-11-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

I was determined not to be the “Ugly American” on this trip. Like most US travelers I relied heavily on the international language of pantomime, slapstick, and the kind of grotesque exaggeration you expect in Community Theater. I came with open arms and a festive spirit to bask in the origins of Western mankind. I returned home bruised, breathless and flat broke.

PERSONAL SPACE
Europeans exist within millimeters of each other. Personal space in Europe is like the Hybrid car in America. It is readily available, yet few choose to take advantage of it.
Sitting on a bus in Bosnia I was enveloped by a “Euro dry hump clump”, which occurs when the first person to occupy space becomes the center of an unwanted Human Shield. Secret Service doesn’t even move this quickly. If the President wants real protection overseas, just travel with a few personal space-sucking Euro-magnets.

My gripe; at least acknowledge we are inches apart. Give me the courtesy of sharing the awkward moment. Nobody gets to be indifferent and stand so close to me that when I inhale I taste your mustache!

2ND HAND SMOKE
From Portugal to Serbia, smoking is still King. Apparently 2nd hand smoke is not a health concern in Europe; it is more of a weather condition. I would like to thank the fine people of the European Union for saving me all the years of smoking and allowing me to move directly to the pre-Emphysema iron lung phase. This way I get the euphoria of “feeling” like a life long smoker, without the nasty sense of responsibility that I am contributing to the death of those around me.

AMERICAN DOLLAR
Once considered “fake” money, the mighty Euro is worth thirty percent more than our dollar. By my calculation, over a three-week period of converting American greenbacks to Euros, I owe Italy a kidney. It’s like waking up one morning and realizing the money you worked so hard for was pilfered by a formula you are too stupid to understand.

But maybe there is a hidden genius at work here. Maybe this IS our plan? We let the Euro gain strength and drive the American economy into the ground. Soon the Peso will be worth more as well. Then illegal immigrants will start going the other direction, sending some of that “Strong Mexican Money” back to their poor impoverished illegal American Families.

I learned my lesson long ago. I make my money in the International markets. I sell snacks outside hash houses in Amsterdam. Euros only please.

JPC

Scent on the wings of devils

2007-09-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

I can’t think of anything more repulsive than to be engulfed by someone else’s smell against my will. The greatest culprits are people who spastically splash on cologne like a fish on land gasping for water. I was stuck on an elevator for 28 floors with an odor best described as “rotten egg covered in dog crap inside the decaying flesh of a rancid corpse.” Heavy perfume is equally obnoxious. Nothing upsets me more than to walk out my door smelling like a man and within seconds hit an invisible cloud of old woman.

Cologne is supposed to enhance your natural smell. It should catch the attention of a person walking by in a very subtle way. It is not designed to compensate for lack of personal hygiene, or access to a shower or extend the life of a dirty shirt. It is not Febreze. Excessive cologne is as lethal as second hand smoke. Heavy users should come with warning labels. “The Surgeon General believes YOUR smell will shorten the life of others.”

People who wear too much cologne are oblivious to their crimes. They are murderers of personal space hiding behind the insanity defense. Here is a tip: look around you. If people’s eyes are bleeding you are wearing too much cologne. If flies pile up dead near you at a picnic table…too much cologne. If all of your friends have permanent squints on their faces as if they have just been awakened by smelling salts…too much cologne.

Help is but a search engine away. Every article I found online agreed: “less is more” when it comes to cologne. As in, the “less” you put on the “more” people will be able to stand close to you without feeling like they have been hit by pepper spray. So the next time you have a big night out and recklessly slap on handfuls of your fancy smell remember this: even people who fart apologize.

JPC

Elvis: How to stay dead despite the efforts of others

2007-08-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

This month marks the 30th Anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. Of course, when I say “death” I am referring to his “continued death” as opposed to the “permanent death” the rest of us will experience. As Elvis Week in Memphis commences, the worshipers gather to wrestle him from the grave once again and watch the undead Elvis headline the “Greatest Show on Earth”. (Now owned by the same company that brings you “American Idol”) Each year the celebrations swell to colossal proportions to remind us that Elvis will never be forgotten. But there is a reason why Disneyland eventually buried the Captain EO attraction. Careers and people die.

I am not suggesting for a second that the King of Rock and Roll should be forgotten. We’ve ALL had our Elvis moments. I’ve met Priscilla on the set of Naked Gun 33 1/3. I worked on an Elvis Impersonator documentary, where Korean Elvis and Alien Elvis discussed the legitimacy of “fake” sideburns. I have been to the Holy Graceland 3 times. I visited his birth home in Tupelo, only to be kicked out for trespassing by a polite yet brutally firm Southern docent. I have stood in the Palm Springs mansion bedroom where he and Ann Margaret had 1960’s sexy people sex. To get the feel of Elvis, I have prepared fried peanut butter banana sandwiches from his official cookbook and then choked on the idea of eating the chunky snack. I even own a jumpsuit and wig for those “perfect” social occasions.

What I am saying is rein it in. Don’t let Elvis Week (with it’s fresh Corporate backing) become the gold standard for American Pop Icon Freak Show Extravaganza. At this rate singing monkeys in Elvis suits will become cliché’. Just take it down a few levels somewhere between Star Trek Convention and “my potato chip is shaped like Elvis”. You want to remember the King? Just look at your mother. To paraphrase Comedian Adam Ferrara, “My mother is at that age where women start to dress like Elvis. A lot of sequins, jumpsuit looking things, the hip is bad so she swivels when she walks and she spends a lot of time in Vegas!”

So the next time your aging Mom whirls thru the door with her gyrating unstable pelvis, shimmering jumpsuit, WWF belt and oversized sunglasses…THAT is your Elvis moment.

May the REAL Elvis finally rest in peace.

JPC

A Candidate for President

2007-07-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of hearing Presidential hopefuls court voters by promising them everything, that I decided if I have to listen to another political suck-up preach to the masses…it might as well be me. That is why I am offering myself as a candidate for President of the United States. While other candidates will shamelessly fall back on their “credentials” or “experience”, or try to seduce you with their “knowledge” I will let my stand on the issues speak for themselves.

ON CORPORATE DONORS: A Candidate should be free from Corporate Sponsorship with the exception of the ones willing to fund my campaign. Especially companies that specialize in adult ointments.

ON HEALTH CARE: The only way we can fix the HealthCare system is by applying crippling pressure thru stiff competition. So the next time your HMO turns you down for a procedure, you say, “Fine. I’ll do it myself!”

ON POLITICAL ABUSE: I say if a politician abuses the public trust for personal gain, we should be able to abuse the politician in public before they regain our personal trust.

ON HOMELESSNESS AND STEM CELL RESEARCH: Yes.

ON AMBIGUOUS STATEMENTS THAT MEAN NOTHING: I think that the real issue here is the failure of the average American to truly comprehend the injustice of the liberal platitudes that an exploratory committee is looking into to ensure that no stone is left unturned. A situation for which I accept full responsibility, but completely deny any involvement with.

ON RISING GAS PRICES: Gas prices can be easily reduced if we create a fuel out of something America has an endless supply of: the flesh of people who are constantly complaining about high gas prices.

ON THE 2 PARTY SYSTEM: I propose we eliminate the Republican and Democratic Party and form 2 NEW parties; the RIGHT party and the WRONG party. Since most people already believe they belong to the RIGHT party - things should move smoothly.

ON ELECTING A BLACK OR FEMALE PRESIDENT: If that is what the country wants I will utilize 100% of my resources to make that happen…as long as the operation doesn’t hurt me too much.

See you in November ‘08
JPC

The American Driver: A Tribute

2007-06-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

As we start the beginning of driving season, I would like to salute our countries beloved motorists. Despite all the statistics and proof to the contrary... we remain the greatest drivers in the world. Not because we ARE… but because we THINK we are.

So here’s to you American Driver:

* With one hand on the wheel and one hand free to flip off anybody who doesn’t have the decency to anticipate your next move. Because talking on the cell phone, putting on make up and picking your nose at dangerous speeds is YOUR business…and which lane you may be headed into next is none of ours.

* Because YOU saved the world once and now you’ve earned the right to drive 25 MPH in the fast lane even though your graying head can’t turn far enough around to see your shoulder.

* When a fellow motorist crashes, you know the worst thing you can do is to complicate the situation by offering help or medical assistance. Better to get a good slow look at the wreck so you can text message as you drive by.

* Because you realize that throwing cigarette butts out the window creates jobs for prisoners and illegal immigrants. And driving hybrid cars are for hippies and actors.

* And you weren’t erratically changing lanes. You were testing your cars’ emergency response handling system. Won’t that come in handy the next time you have to get a donor heart to the hospital or dodge a helicopter attack from above?

* Because you deeply believe that every American driver is created equal. That’s why you don’t let a little blue paint on the ground stop YOU from parking in front of those precious double doors.

* And nobody straps you into your car. Because you know seatbelts are for sissies who are afraid to fly through a little windshield.

So hit the highway Johnny Rebel. And when you get pulled over and told your breath smells like Old Milwaukee, you look that cop in the eye and say, “That’s just the flavor of my toothpaste!” Because you know that .08 is not a hard number…it’s a GUT feeling.

Drive safely road warrior. And stay the hell away from me.